Following is a 5-point plan for achieving total self-humiliation in a public place. Stick to the instructions closely and your success is guaranteed!
Step 1: Show up at your local farm garden wearing yoga pants and sandals.
Fantastic! We’re off to an excellent start! It’s only 104° in the shade and you’re about to wade through rows of crops – you might as well be wearing a sign around your neck saying ‘I’m an indoors girl.’
Step 2: Be sure to stand directly underneath each plum tree that you’re shaking to loosen the fruits.
Perfect! We all know that tree shaking is the proper way to harvest fruit, so why not stand directly underneath the heavy fruits as you’re shaking?
And those plum pieces will definitely come out of your hair eventually, right? No worries.
Step 3: No water. No hat. No harvest bag. Rock star shades! ‘Nuff said.
Step 4: As you carry your sweating, hatless, proper footwear-less, dehydrated, bagless self back to your vehicle, holding your harvest in your tee shirt, take a moment to stop and pet the horsies.
Go on, you can do it. Juggle those pounds of plums and your need to pet your cute equine friend. I’m sure it will work out.
Step 5: And finally, as you pick your plums up from the ground, spot that little bee buzzing around you and your fruit haul. Ignore the families and small children standing nearby and start screaming at the top of your lungs. Channel Brandi Chastain and rip your shirt off like you just scored the winning goal. Dance around, shirtless and screaming, because this is obviously the best way to avoid a bee sting. Oh! And as you dance and scream, make sure to trample any of your remaining viable pieces of fruit.
Success! You’ve completed the program and can step up to the podium to receive your ribbon.
You are now a certified expert at self-humiliation in a public place. In fact, you graduated with honors!
This 5-point plan has been brought to you by its founder, who continues to live the dream by testing and retesting each point in her proven tutorials.
Check back soon for success-guaranteed instructionals on public pratfalls, epic food drops, and memorable malapropisms.
Grilled Plum Tostadas
1 1/2 c. dark brown sugar, tightly packed
1 1/2 c. water
20 small plums (The plums that I used for these tostadas were quite small and just shy of ripeness – some were only slightly larger than an oversized cherry. If you are using larger, more substantial plums, you may want to use only ten plums, halving them for grilling and then cutting each grilled piece into half again for serving.)
8- 5-6″ corn tortillas
1 c. sour cream
zest of 2 limes
Preheat oven to 350° and prepare your grill or grilling surface.
In a medium sauce pan, bring the sugar and water to a boil. Boil at a hard boil for approximately 15 minutes, or until the sugar has dissolved and a thick syrup has formed. The finished syrup will reduce to approximately one and one quarter cups. Once the syrup has formed, remove the pan from heat and set aside to cool.
To prepare the plums, slice each piece of fruit in half and remove the pit (I have found that the easiest way to prepare a plum is to slice around the circumference of the fruit as you would an avocado. Insert your fingers into the slice, gently pulling the two halves apart from each other. One half should peel away cleanly, leaving the pit in the second half. You can then simply carve the pit out of the second half.). Place the plum pieces into a large bowl and cover with the slightly cooled syrup. Set the bowl aside, allowing the fruit to macerate in the syrup for 30 minutes.
Meanwhile, brush both sides of the tortillas lightly with olive oil and place on a parchment-lined baking sheet. Bake the tostadas for 15-20 minutes, or until they have darkened slightly and are crisp.
Once the fruit has soaked for 30 minutes, grill each piece by placing face down onto your grilling surface (you will want to use a pair of metal tongs for grilling these plums and have a serving bowl or tray ready as they cook relatively quickly). Grill the fleshy faces of the fruit for approximately 3-4 minutes or until they have become slightly but visibly charred. Flip the fruit and grill each piece for an additional 3-4 minutes on its back. Remove the cooked fruit to a serving dish and repeat this process until all of your plum pieces have been grilled.
Mix the sour cream and lime zest in a small bowl.
Assemble your tostadas by placing 5 plum halves (again, this will vary if you’re working with larger plums and opt to cut them into quarters) on each tostada, finishing with a liberal scoop of the sour cream mixture on top.
YIELD: 8 tostadas