I visited an alien planet this past weekend. I’d like to tell you about it.
I’d like to tell you about it because my visit was fraught with difficulties: trouble entering the alien atmosphere, issues navigating the terrain, problems communicating with the native aliens, and challenges upon reentry back to Earth.
You’re my friend. And as my friend, I’m hoping that you can advise me. You know, keep things running a little more smoothly during my next trip.
So let me tell you about my recent excursion to the planet otherwise known as My Local Shopping Mall. I hope you can help.
1. Entering the alien atmosphere
Things began innocently enough: A. and I were properly attired in our spacesuits and helmets. Our spaceship was humming along, and we were using our star charts to find our way. Cool.
But then the planet’s surface came into view and things got dicey. Dozens of other spaceships circling, circling and circling the plant again. Just to find a spot to leave their ship.
Circling, circling and circling some more.
We finally resorted to following a female alien, loaded down with shopping bags, back to her ship. Staying just close enough that we could spring on her spot, but far enough that she wouldn’t turn us in to the alien po-po for stalking her.
At least we have a spot for our ship now, though.
2. Navigating the alien terrain
Aliens native to MLSM apparently don’t value the concept of a straight line being the shortest path from one location to another. I know this because there is no such thing as walking in a straight line as you attempt to negotiate the terrain of MLSM. Nope.
On the contrary, MLSM is laid out like an obstacle course with a variety challenges for you as you make your way.
Dodge that roving crowd of Wii Just Dance 3 performance artists!
Dip your head to avoid that enormous, looming cloud of sample perfume!
Duck behind a column to avoid the Teavana Free Sample Girl with a tray of scalding hot beverages in her hands and judgment in her eyes!
Are you sweating yet? Obvi.
3. Communicating with the alien natives
It’s already difficult when Alienese isn’t your native tongue. But you’ve done your homework. You’ve been hitting the books. So things shouldn’t be that tough, right?
Consider this interaction:
M.: Hello, Lovely Salesgirl. I’m here to purchase some hand cream because, as you can see, I have extremely dry winter hands.
LSg.: Fantastic! Would you like the peony, poppy, or pear fragrance in that cream? Would you like your tube covered in pony hair or purple polyester? And did you want your tube monogrammed in the matte or shiny finish?
M.: Uhh…..
LSg.: Gift wrapped or no? Paper or plastic? Receipt with you or in the bag? What is your name? Address? Social security number? And I’m just going to need to see 10 forms of picture ID.
M.: Please. Help. Just. Wanted. Hand. Cream.
LSg.: Oh! And I forgot to mention that we’re offering a BOGO at our B&M locations only! And extra deals if you bring your CPNs, pay a H/F, and bring your Double Secret Probation Members Only Card! Just fill out these 8 short forms in triplicate and…
I can’t tell you any more about this exchange because A. had scooped me up from the floor, where I had collapsed into a pile of hot mess, and carried me off to the Food Court. He was able to revive me in front of Panda Express with a can of Jolt and 2 slices of Sbarro pizza.
It was clearly time to head home to planet Earth.
4. Reentry back to Earth
Back home, spaceship parked in the garage, spacesuits in the washing machine, we definitely felt safe again. But we were both clearly reeling from the aftereffects of our traumatic trip.
A. retreated to his Man Cave and I went to the kitchen. I decided to get the lead out by baking a cake.
This Dulce De Leche Sheet Cake is simple as pie and sweet as a dream. It’s such a good thing to make when you’ve just returned, hand cream-less, from a trip to an alien planet.
Epilogue: This cake was a total hit. I left a piece outside of A.’s Man Cave and he quickly polished it off and asked for more. If you have a friend or loved one in need, someone whose recent trip to an alien planet might have left them scarred and hand cream-less, I strongly urge you to make some Dulce De Leche Sheet Cake for them.
And please consider sharing your sheet cake with open ears and an open heart. Chances are that they’ll need your support and empathy as they relive the harrowing moments of their recent alien planet excursion.
Please know that, the next time you need to talk about your trip to the planet MLSM, I’ll be here. Ready to listen. With a piece of sheet cake in hand for you.
Dulce De Leche Sheet Cake
For the cake:
2 c. all-purpose flour
2 c. white sugar, granulated
3/4 c. unsalted butter, softened
3/4 c. buttermilk
2 large eggs
1 tbsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1- 13.4 can dulce de leche (of course, you can opt to make your own dulce de leche, in which case you will need 1 1/4 cups)
cooking spray
For the glaze:
1 c. heavy cream
1- 13.4 can dulce de leche (again, of course, you can opt to make your own dulce de leche, in which case you will need 1 1/4 cups)
1/4 c. white sugar, granulated
2 tbsp. unsalted butter, softened
Preheat oven to 350°.
Prepare a 12″ x 16″ rimmed baking sheet by lining it with parchment paper and greasing the papered bottom and sides. Set the prepared pan aside.
In a medium bowl, whisk together the flour, baking soda, and salt and set aside.
In a large bowl, cream the sugar and butter until light and fluffy. Beat in the eggs one at a time until mixed through. Add the dry ingredients to the butter mixture alternating with the buttermilk and scraping down the sides of the bowl as necessary. Beat until just blended.
Spread the mixture out over the prepared pan, using a rubber scraper to smooth the batter as evenly as possible across the pan. Once the cake batter is smoothed out over the pan, use a measure to drop heaping teaspoons of the dulce de leche onto the batter. I chose to drop 6 drops into relatively even rows. Once you’ve dropped your dulce de leche into your batter, use a dull knife that you’ve dipped into warm water, to draw lines through your dulce drops. If you use canned dulce, it will be thick and won’t spread easily -that’s ok- spread it just as much as you can. The pattern and evenness do not matter.
Bake the cake for 25-30 minutes or until a cake tester inserted into the middle of the cake comes out clean (the spots where you dropped your dulce will still be sticky and moist). Please note that the large dollops of dulce in this cake will displace the batter and may result in some of the cake bubbling over the edges of the pan as it’s baking, depending on how deep your rimmed pan is. If you’re concerned about spillage, simply place a sheet of tin foil under the pan as it bakes. The finished cake will be a deep golden brown with crusty edges. Set the baked cake aside to cool slightly before glazing.
Meanwhile, bring the heavy cream and sugar to a boil in a small saucepan. Remove the cream mixture to a heat-proof bowl and stir in the dulce de leche and butter. Whisk the glaze until smooth and glossy. Spread over the top of the cake and serve.
YIELD: one 12″ x 16″ cake, approximately 14-16 servings
Hi,
This recipe looks so amazing that I want to try it out. Ive converted the ingredients to EU standards, but Im wondering: what do you mean with 13.4 can dulce de leche? I already have 2 cans of dulce de leche with me, but how much ml or grams so to say do I need in this recipe… I would appreciate it if you can help me out with it… Enlighten me please, I want to meet ET too hihi!
Hi Arti! Thanks so much for your question. The prepared dulce de leche that I find most often here in stores in the United States is offered in 13.4 ounce cans, which is why I used that measurement. That said, each can contains 380 grams of dulce de leche so you will need approximately 380 grams for the cake and another 380 grams for the glaze. I hope this helps – please let me know how it turns out!
Hi Meagan,
Thank you so much for your reply. I’m going to make it this weekend, maybe even tonight. I will most definitely let you know how it turns out!
Hi Meagan!
The cake tasted delicious! It was so good, that my parents forbid me to make it again, as they kept eating and eating! Really tasty, ty for the recipe. Do you by any chance have a great cake recipe with custard?
I’m SO pleased that the cake was a hit, Arti! I don’t think that I have any custard-based or custard-filled cakes in my collection as of yet, but I’ll get on it. Thanks so much for reading!!
Hi meagan,
Ty very much for replying! Looking forward to new smashing recipes in the future, hope I will get a great surprise soon regarding custard
Catch you soon again!
This cake was delicious, but I would definitely recommend a deeper pan or foil under it. I don’t know if elevation has something to do with it, but where I live this cake overflowed my cookie sheet and made a big mess in my oven the night before the first Thanksgiving I was hosting at my house! Luckily it cleaned up pretty quickly just before our guests who were coming in the night before arrived!! : ) Thanks for the great recipe! It went perfect with our spicy chicken casserole!
OH NO! I’m SO sorry to hear about the oven disaster, but I’m SO happy to hear that the cake turned out well for your holiday meal! The elevation may have had something to do with it, but you’re absolutely right to emphasize a deeper pan or at least a liner under the pan with this cake. Thanks for your comment, Danielle – have a great weekend! Meagan
Ohhhh my word- you are so entertaining!! I’m giggling out loud. And reading awesome recipes. I like!
I’m going to avoid that planet as much as possible this year, he he. This cake is amazing dear. Have to try it a.s.a.p. Hope you are having a great week.
-Gina-
Haha you are so funny! I love this post
But that is a planet I don’t like to go to. I may need a slice just re-living your story. Thanks for sharing.
Dulce de leche is such a weakness for me… why must you torment me with this heavenly post? It looks absolutely divine!
I avoid that planet at all costs! This cake sounds too decadent! Thanks for the great recipe!
Oh my goodness, this looks amazing! I would love slice right now. I went to the mall last week and it was a nightmare. So many people to get around…I was shocked since at the time it was barely November. I wonder how bad the economy really is when there was a packed mall to barrel through.
Yummm… it looks like dulce de leche is making its way around the internet these days! I love the stuff. It’s totally ridiculously good. Have you ever made your own? It’s really easy as long as you have 1 can of condensed milk and 3 or 4 hours to sit around your house watching Netflix.
Scarletta nails it. Again.
xo
http://allykayler.blogspot.com
Ummm… Yes please! Reminds me of a sticky toffee pudding in a way but with dulce de leche. Yum!
Let’s get this lady some hand cream! We’ve got to keep her baking!
Saw the picture of this before I knew it was your recipe, but kinda figured it was you – soooooo wonderful.
You crack me up. Great recipe. And your pictures are out of this world. Congrats on top 9!
This is such a gorgeous sheet cake, with the Dulce de Leche in the cake and on it. Oh, Yum! I would like a piece, now!
Looks absolutely mouth watering! Must try this weekend! And that story is absolutely hilarious! Share the same sentiment!
Made your cake today! My roommates said it was the best cake they’d ever had.. It was absolutely delicious! I did have one question, however. My cake was very brown and along the edges it was a little crisp. Any recommendations?
I’m SO glad that you and your roommates enjoyed the cake, Marielle! Regarding the color and the texture: my DDL Sheet Cakes turned out exactly the same way every time that I tested the recipe. It’s the thinness of the cake and the natural darkness of the dulce de leche that result in a crispy-edged, dark brown cake. If the color bothers you, you could try diluting your dulce de leche with some milk, or you could simply use less DDL in the cake batter. As far as the crispiness goes, you could probably avoid that by baking the cake in 2- 8″ round cake pans, which would produce a much deeper cake that would not have crispy edges. As far as baking times goes, I would check those cakes at 15 minutes and then every 5 minutes thereafter for doneness. I hope this helps!!
just a note you can make your own carmel using eagle brand milk….put can in a slow cooker filled with water on high for 8 hours or overnight….make sure top of can is covered with water…nextday can full of sweet carmel…..cake looks yummy too
love it: recipe, photos and story.
Good grief that looks so naughty. If I took one bite…I think I would need to have more and more. One bite would never be enough.
Wow! This looks so sinful, I must try it!
Wow. That looks all kinds of amazing. The picture with the topping flowing over the edge of the missing piece made me drool a little bit. Too bad it’s still morning! I am glad I am not the only one who hates going to the mall! And it will only get worse as the calendar creeps (or flies!) closer to December 25.
This looks all kinds of wonderful! I smiled while reading your post but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the pictures. Oh, my!
Looks great. Mouthwatering.
Smile. Not only do your baked goods look amazing, but you are witty and charming and just delightful! Thank you for sharing with me…and thank you for visiting my own blog. I look forward to sharing posts in the future!
My pleasure, Monet! I’m a huge fan of Anecdotes & Apple Cores!
Ugh, the hubby and I paid a visit to the mall this past weekend, too. After we finally found a parking space and finally found a place to eat that wasn’t crawling with screaming kidlets, I told him we wouldn’t be seeing the mall again until AFTER January 1st.
I did find a girl scout troop selling cookies just outside the entrance though, so it it was a happy ending after all.
The next time you head to the mall, might I suggest you take me with you? I basically speak mall language, so it would make things a lot easier. And for my troubles, you can pay me in cake!!
WE all win!!!
I’m all in. I’ll keep you in cake for the rest of your life if you’ll come with me and translate the next time I’m forced to make an alien excursion.
I think I just may be willing to brave shopping if I could come home to this cake…just delightful!
This sounds freaking awesome! I hope aliens stay away from me tonight. Eeek!
Oh my! this is totally my kind of treat!! Love it drizzling all over the pan.
Oh wow! This looks amazing! The Dulce De Leche just running off of the cake looks (and I bet it tastes) heavenly!
The cake looks fantastic and I completely understand about going to the mall. I avoid it at all costs…especially this time of year! I shop on-line from the comfort of my own mother ship!
The sheet cake looks delicious! And yeah, this is the season for those tension-filled mall trips…
And where was Fox Mulder? Your post is so funny, and your cake so delicious. Looks not hard to do, unless of course we decide for a home made Dulce de Leche (Manjarblanco in my country), made as our grandmathers way.
Yes, I would love to have this double whammy cake-not only does Dulce de Leche go on top but is actually baked into the cake. Can’t keep from saving this one-hard to pass on such deliciousness. Buzz!
Sad to see that the hectic shopping days are already upon us-I was hoping they would hold off until after Thanksgiving. “Hard sell” clerks, no place to park, heightened security transactions…lovely.
omg great idea!
I didn’t know reading about your discovery of an alien planet could make me salivate like a Pavlovian dog. Or maybe it was that sheet cake.
Droooool. This looks fantastic! Thanks for sharing!
Few things are better than a good sheet cake, and dulce de leche with that caramel sauce? Oh, my soul is yours.
Oh my goodness, I got delirious drooling over these photos. I just want to lick the Dulce de Leche off that pan as it dribbles slowly all over. I want to try making this, it’s one of my most favorite flavors. Is it ok with you if I try it and get back to you about the outcome? Thanks for sharing this marvelous recipe!
Of course – please do, Elizabeth! It really was a hit when I served it and SO simple to prepare. I hope you like it!
Fact: your baking blog is the best one out there.
Last week, I went to the mall for the first time in two years. I’m never going back. Ever.
And why should I? I’m going to stay in my house, make Dulce De Leche Sheet Cake, and find everything else I need on the interweb. That’s where all my real friends are anyway…
Thank goodness for online shopping! Your cake looks fabulous, it’s got so many different creamy and gooey textures. BTW, olive oil makes a great hand moisturizer. Just saying.
You’re so right, Sue. About both online shopping and olive oil – going to try that ASAP.